“The romantic attraction we feel now is a state of mind & if one day you happen to miss me and I am no longer there in flesh, you can revisit this state of mind in your memory, where we exist. So in theory, we could never really be apart since we always live in each other’s minds.”
-Excerpt from my letter to Melvin
The conversation of death arose sometime during our finals week study session. I'm not exactly sure who brought up the topic but it didn't matter because this would be the first of the few we would have. I couldn't look him in the face throughout the entire confabulation. Instead, I was staring at his empty piece of loose-leaf paper. "I want to die…I know that it shouldn't sound as conventional as it just did but I don't find any reason for my existence. This is not impulsive, I think about it…all the time, and this is not a choice; no one chooses to want to die." There was a preceding awkward silence but it was one that we shared together, he grabbed my hand and squeezed it so tight that the circulation of blood in my hand was almost discontinued. I looked up at his watering eyes, grabbed his arm and directed him toward the nearest staircase. I pushed him up against the wall, and there we were, the only people in school at 10:00pm. I don't think that the suicidal girl and forlorn boy exactly fit the romantic movie cliché but we came close, we were falling in love. "You give me a reason to want to live," I whispered into his ear. I want to say that this was the truth, but I wouldn't dare tell him that his mere existence was not enough of a reason, it was just not enough.
I spotted Johnny across the room the moment I walked in. It was a couple of days after New Years, but my friend and I were still determined to not remember the rest of our days. I suppose he felt the same, holding a ¾ empty red cup of liver poison. I didn’t know anyone but the cup of Jack in my hand, and of course, the only mutual friend between these strangers and I, Lisa. An hour passed, and I’ve already drunk about 3 cups of whiskey and I’m sure everyone else in the room drank more. As blurry as my vision was, I still saw him, approaching me. The last thing I can recollect is dancing with him and then… I looked up at the mirror. I splashed water in my face and my mascara began running down, this time when I looked up at the mirror, I saw Johnny’s reflection behind me. I turned around, “Are you okay?” His shirt was off, truthfully, I could care less about why he was in the same room with me. Secretly, I was glad he was there. I sat on the sink and examined the contour of his body; I almost forgot he was there, in front of me. I saw his sign tattooed somewhere on his right deltoid/upper bicep. “So you’re a Leo?” He looked at me and asked me the same question. The bathroom was too small for both of our personalities. I was sitting on the sink with my eyes ogled at his lips and he undoubtedly noticed. “If you wanna kiss me, do it already.” I responded by wrapping my legs around him and pulling him closer to me. Legitimately, I was caught in between wanting this archaic stranger’s tongue down my throat and fulfilling my higher moral standard I set for myself. I was teasing him the whole while, pulling him closer and farther away. “If you wanna kiss me, do it already.” I said. He laughed and our lips were a centimeter away from each other before I pulled away, hopped off the sink, and walked away. The chemistry in the atmosphere or more appropriately between us, was far too vigorous for me to stay. He generated a completely other side of me, one I was afraid to explore, one without any boundaries.
No comments:
Post a Comment