2.5 ?

I was on the other side of the wall waiting for him to climb over and prove to me that I; better yet we were worth it. Instead, I was using all my strength to break it down, for days, for months but he just gave up and I kept trying. I wondered if Johnny saw Melvin’s reflection in my eyes when he... The indignity in me told him that I missed him and the only response I got in return was his disdain. The coward in me ran back to Johnny, and for the first time I got into bed with him and did not undress myself, I was already allegorically naked. I curled up next to him and allowed him to put his arms around me and I cried into his chest. I looked up at Johnny and I saw him, for the first time since I met him, I saw him. It was one of those moments where you come to the precipitous realization that destiny is not determined by choice, it’s fate. I woke up in the middle of the night to Johnny still holding me tight enough to not let me go but Melvin still exists in my head, and this was my fate.

the dissection 2

“The romantic attraction we feel now is a state of mind & if one day you happen to miss me and I am no longer there in flesh, you can revisit this state of mind in your memory, where we exist. So in theory, we could never really be apart since we always live in each other’s minds.”

                                                                        -Excerpt from my letter to Melvin

            The conversation of death arose sometime during our finals week study session. I'm not exactly sure who brought up the topic but it didn't matter because this would be the first of the few we would have. I couldn't look him in the face throughout the entire confabulation. Instead, I was staring at his empty piece of loose-leaf paper. "I want to die…I know that it shouldn't sound as conventional as it just did but I don't find any reason for my existence. This is not impulsive, I think about it…all the time, and this is not a choice; no one chooses to want to die." There was a preceding awkward silence but it was one that we shared together, he grabbed my hand and squeezed it so tight that the circulation of blood in my hand was almost discontinued. I looked up at his watering eyes, grabbed his arm and directed him toward the nearest staircase. I pushed him up against the wall, and there we were, the only people in school at 10:00pm. I don't think that the suicidal girl and forlorn boy exactly fit the romantic movie cliché but we came close, we were falling in love. "You give me a reason to want to live," I whispered into his ear. I want to say that this was the truth, but I wouldn't dare tell him that his mere existence was not enough of a reason, it was just not enough.

I spotted Johnny across the room the moment I walked in. It was a couple of days after New Years, but my friend and I were still determined to not remember the rest of our days. I suppose he felt the same, holding a ¾ empty red cup of liver poison. I didn’t know anyone but the cup of Jack in my hand, and of course, the only mutual friend between these strangers and I, Lisa. An hour passed, and I’ve already drunk about 3 cups of whiskey and I’m sure everyone else in the room drank more.  As blurry as my vision was, I still saw him, approaching me. The last thing I can recollect is dancing with him and then… I looked up at the mirror. I splashed water in my face and my mascara began running down, this time when I looked up at the mirror, I saw Johnny’s reflection behind me.  I turned around, “Are you okay?” His shirt was off, truthfully, I could care less about why he was in the same room with me. Secretly, I was glad he was there. I sat on the sink and examined the contour of his body; I almost forgot he was there, in front of me.  I saw his sign tattooed somewhere on his right deltoid/upper bicep. “So you’re a Leo?” He looked at me and asked me the same question. The bathroom was too small for both of our personalities. I was sitting on the sink with my eyes ogled at his lips and he undoubtedly noticed. “If you wanna kiss me, do it already.” I responded by wrapping my legs around him and pulling him closer to me. Legitimately, I was caught in between wanting this archaic stranger’s tongue down my throat and fulfilling my higher moral standard I set for myself.  I was teasing him the whole while, pulling him closer and farther away. “If you wanna kiss me, do it already.” I said. He laughed and our lips were a centimeter away from each other before I pulled away, hopped off the sink, and walked away. The chemistry in the atmosphere or more appropriately between us, was far too vigorous for me to stay. He generated a completely other side of me, one I was afraid to explore, one without any boundaries.

brain fart

teaser; have a happy blue balls

It was after Melvin had drifted into the night, after the expeditious sex, my fake orgasm, and I believe it was also the first time we had sex. My eyes, my concentration was directed towards the ceiling above me, I stared at it for hours until I undressed myself and decided to make use of the jacuzzi I paid extra for. I was thinking about thinking; the thought of suicide was a notion I briefly flirted with in the past. If I didn't feel alive right now, would it feel any different at death's doorstep? The compilation of these thoughts, this question, the smoke filled room, and the loneliness of the night; it led me me to my next endeavor. My brain weighed me down, propelling my head into the pool of water surrounding me. Submerged in the water, my question was progressively answered; I felt more alive than ever. The amputation of oxygen in my circulatory system left me gasping for air. Gasping until… "Amanda" he yelled . We reached our pinnacle together and I rolled over to the other side of the bed. I looked over to my right, panting, I saw Johnny doing the same; there was nothing fake about this. 

not based on true events 1

During the course of my life, I've had various individuals attempt to analyze the inner workings of my mind and Johnny was no exception. He took part in any opportunity to transpire an accurate analysis for my being. The last thing I concretely recall is his lips, his arms, and the rest… The succession of events that led to the two of us in the same bed without our pants and undergarments on was a mystery but the chemistry between us was as strong as the mixture of francium and fluorine. The reaction was explosive. My body was somatically there but my mind was in the last place I left it, with Melvin.

I would like to say that i felt something, I want to say that some emotion came over me, sad, happy, angry, anxious, I didn't feel anything. "We need space," I was lost in his eyes, my mind got lost somewhere in his eyes, I was swimming in the ocean. His words registered into my brain and I stayed quiet. He began speaking, and I can't tell you exactly what about because those light blue eyes, I was drowning in the ocean. When he walked away, he took my mind with him, it was lost somewhere in his deep blue eyes. I was drowning on dry land, my carcass stood still, lifeless, emotionless, empty.

The next morning, I woke up and if I didn't feel anything yesterday, I feel it now. Every muscle in my body ached to clean the mess, i'm not exactly sure of which one, the one in my room or the one in my head. The bed, this bed it reeked of my past endeavors, my thought processes all led to it being confiscated of. I went into my drawer and ripped every trace I had of this horror story, i ripped everything. Oh my god, my bed, I couldn't even gain the strength to dispose of it. I grabbed my sheets and put it on the floor. This was a much better arrangement, and for the first time in the whole day, I felt sane.

My eyes were burning a hole through the side of his head, and I'm sure he felt the dissipation during it all. The bad habit of blankly staring while in deep thought was something I picked up at a young age and it never left me. When he asked what I was thinking about, my immediate answer was of course nothing. There was absolutely no way I was going to narrate the incessant number of questions in my head, he would have no answer for any of them.

I replayed the events of the previous night in my head continuously over in the shower trying to wash off my regret and my guilt. Suddenly, I started remembering my first date with Melvin and how reluctant he was to even hold my hand. I held his instead and this was the precursor of how things went throughout the discourse of our relationship; I was the first one to kiss him, the first one to touch him, the first one to tell him that his existence took place of a reason for mine, and then I remembered him saying I love you first, and walking away first; this was the omen, this was our liaison.

I wasn't sure what was worse, the walk of shame, or the unwanted text message you got the next day; I reckon that they equally weigh the same. The flashing red light in my phone, the scratching nails on the chalkboard. I stuffed my phone in my bag and smothered my face in the pillow and yelled, I could not contain the emotions I was repressing. Not that I exactly understood how I felt, guilt was what I felt now, but pleasure was what I attained that night, my body was indisputably pleased. Why should I feel guilty about that? I went in my bag grabbed my phone; I cut the scratching nails and began writing on the board.