i dumped her and then she wrote a book about me

I remember when there was just one person that occupied my mind, and now there are three separate ideas, people. I wanted so desperately to save what me and Melvin had because at one point it was everything and I could not accept that it was nothing now, and Johnny, my safety net, when my love life gets too hectic, I know that I can just see him and within an hour of him and his dexterity, everything becomes okay, and then there’s this new guy, who for the first time in a really long time can make me laugh, like really laugh and could kiss me and transmit a flock of butterflies into me. It feels as if I’m following a compass and all three of these people are stepping on the arrow, and I don’t know which direction to go in, I’m losing my way.

They say it all the time in movies; sex without strings attached is the first trip to a disaster. If you’re me, you don’t listen and you go ahead and have casual sex with your “friend” who you’ve once dated and liked and things didn’t work out but now you’re in bed with him and a whole bunch of things are running through your head but you still find yourself in bed with him again a couple times after. In my opinion Johnny and me do not fall into the typical cliché romantic comedy of two people who casually have sex and then fall in love, we, our personalities would not allow such an ending to occur. We’re both stubborn, and “always right”, and he spoons, and believes in aliens, and asks me so many goddamn questions that I really don’t ever want to answer but I do because he listens and even if spooning is one of the closest forms of physical contact which I abhor, he’s really good at it. We are unique in the sense that we hate each other so much but we want each other way more.

One impulsive text led to an impulsive call, leading to an impulsive I love you, and… I opened my eyes and Melvin was right beside me. No words were exchanged between us and the context behind my silence was far deeper than any word I’ve ever said to him but if I could say something to him it would be that I am not that good of an actress to make it seem as if I’m not torn, and that I’ve slept on the floor for a month after he left me because in a sick and twisted way I thought it made us closer since he slept on his floor too. Instead, I could not stop staring at the back of his head while he was staring at the T.V screen. I was thinking about someone else, I wasn’t there, I was somewhere else. I was scared because it didn’t make sense to me that I’ve dreamt of this for the past two months and now I’m daydreaming about being with someone else and it wasn’t Johnny…